Paul Simon wrote a song called "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" which never really got around to actually listing fifty ways. I guess it's the thought that counts. But one of a homeowner association's challenges is helping neighbors "make nice." It seems that neighbors have lost the art of making friends and, instead, want the board to intervene in conflicts between the strangers that live next to each other.

What exactly is a "good" neighbor? To be one, you don't need to be friends or hang out together. A good neighbor attitude allows you to live as privately or as sociably as you wish. Being a good neighbor is an attitude. Here's how to cultivate and nurture it:

Meet Them. While marching up to their door with hand extended is great, the chance encounter works well, too. Introduce yourself at the mailbox, while walking the dog or when you take out the trash. Learn their names and offer a friendly: "Hello," "Good Morning" or "Howdy Doody" when you see them. (As weird as "Howdy Doody" is, it does make you memorable.)

Keep Them Informed. Contact them before undertaking something that might affect them, such as hosting a big party, building a fence or cutting down a tree. Contacting a neighbor in advance so rarely happens, it will take them weeks to recover from the shock and by that time the announced event will have passed. Seriously, you will gain their respect.

Be Aware of Differences. Age, faith, ethnic background and marital status can drastically affect lifestyles. Be aware of the differences between you and your neighbors that could create friction or disagreement.

Look for Things in Common. You both might like to garden, bike or jog. Zero in on what you have in common. Be a keen observer of your neighbors and look for tell-tale signs that can draw you closer.

Point of View. From your neighbor's viewpoint, how does your compost pile, swing set or junk car look? Would you like that view? (If you do, refer to your neighbor's viewpoint).

Be Appreciative. If a neighbor does something you like, tell them! They'll be pleased that you noticed the new awning, patio furniture, plants, etc.

Assume the Best. Most people don't intentionally create problems. Assume the neighbor doesn't know about the annoyance when you speak to them. Your delivery will be dramatically kinder. And assume they will be cooperative.

Be Candid. If your neighbor does something that bothers you, let them know as soon as possible in factual, not emotional terms.

Be Calm. When discussing a point of contention, speak calmly, listen carefully and thank them for telling you how they feel. You don't have to agree or justify your behavior. If you don't react defensively, anger usually subsides, lines of communication remain open and resolution is possible.

Take Your Time. If caught in angry confrontation, take a break to reflect and finish the discussion when cooler heads prevail. Don't leave it hanging. Time and lack of resolution will intensify hostilities.

Best Advice of All. Treat others as you would like to be treated. This attitude will pave the way for good neighborliness. Love your neighbor as yourself.

Oh, I could go on and list 50 ways but like the song, you probably catch my drift. Being a good neighbor is worth the effort. If one of these ways doesn't get you there, try 50 more until one does.

For more innovative homeowners association management strategies, see Regenesis.net.

Published: February 10, 2010

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Richard Thompson owns Regenesis, a management consulting company that specializes in condominium and homeowner associations. He is a nationally recognized expert on HOA management issues. Regenesis publishes The Regenesis Report, a monthly newsletter for HOA boards, developers and managers. To subscribe, go to Regenesis.net. He can be contacted by email at .